Not one single photo in which I look under the age of 40. Yep, there’s the jowls. Jowls!!! I could, quite literally, start chsing Sylvester the Cat. My eyes look so puffy JLO would fuck them. A few weeks ago a makeup artist told me- true story- that my facial skin is a completely different tone than the rest of my body. And despite the husband’s kind reassurances it is obvious I’m a little chunky round the edges.
I didn’t used to look this way. Although I was always a bit quirky and unusual, I had no problems getting the men. Indy band groupie extraordinaire would be an accurate way of describing me in my heady youth.
Something’s happened in the past decade – I embraced decadence and started smoking all the time, drinking every day, and putting myself on these crazy diets. And only recently I’ve really noticed my body’s called in the debt. And the debt must have been huge, because the bailiffs have kicked the shit out of this place.
And that’s how I’ve ended up here. In invisible, 30-something woman land. And it’s not a pretty place to be. Literally. In fact, it sucks.
After a long weekend of rigorous and honest self-examination, I’ve made a big decision...a decision to reclaim the hotness.
Will I have unrealistic expectations? I don’t think so. I don’t want to look like I’m 20, I just want to look like a hot 35-year-old.
And so begins the process. I have to quit smoking, cut waaaay back on drinking, get my teeth white again, get my eyes back into non-puffy sockets, lose 15 pounds, figure out a better shade to dye my hair, get my facial skin from yellow to pink, and somehow manage to stay a remotely interesting person.
I started this blog for two reasons- so that I would have some accountability, and so that I may meet others who may be going through the same thing.
I QUIT SMOKING
Okay, this is the fifth (yes, fifth) time I have done this, but I’m REALLY going to make it this time. How do I know? Because I quit a few days earlier than my deadline. Inconceivable to some, yes, dangerous to others, of course, but I decided to do it early, and my body’s already reaping the rewards! Actually, no, it isn’t- my body woke me up at 3am this morning and I couldn’t get back to sleep. A sign of excitement? Terror? Panic? Madness?
Right now the nicotine patch is slowly releasing its sweet sweet goodness and is well worth the constant stinging sensation.
I’m not looking forward to the cold I always get when I quit smoking. That bitch is a nightmare. That should be coming within a day or two.
DAY TWO
Okay, I'm a little antsy today. Been rubbing the nic patch for the past hour or so. Just for luck, mind. Won a battle of epic proportions - totally triumphed over our home beer keg last night by not drinking a drop.
Evening a bit more difficult- I've been so used to smoking and rinking with watching television. I've had to keep my hands busy, so I've been folding laundry, cleaning, etc. Bloody hell, I never realised how much I could get finished if not sitting on my arse all night doing nothing. Don't get me wrong, still watching tv, but multitasking, bitches! It's the future!
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